Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Plus one?

Over lunch the other week with some fellow plus size bloggers we got to talking about dating, specifically plus size dating.


Being plus size can be hard in what feels like a world of slim. And when it comes to dating it can be very daunting. preconceived ideas of "levels" can be damaging....the idea that a certain type of person is only suitable for a similar type of person is unfortunately deep rooted in today's society. All too often I hear, "he's a bit out of your league", or, "punching a bit above your weight there mate". 

Maybe I'm naive, maybe I'm sat here in my ivory, married tower, being all smug, but I'd like to think that one person; fat, thin, tall, short has just as good a chance with anyone they might find attractive regardless of appearance, status, career or race. I for one never limited my choice of perspective lovers because I felt I wasn't good enough for them, or that they might be "out of my league".

Rejection can be hard to deal with, but regret is a cruel beast too, and personally I'd prefer to suffer momentary rejection than a lifetime of regret. 

Attractiveness is as personal as ones choice in music, ones taste in food or film. So surely, in that case there's just a chance he might like you? He might; shock, horror find a fat girl attractive, he might think the junk in your trunk is the best thing he's ever seen, he might get talking to you and find your sparkling wit, and intelligent conversation a turn on. Because news flash - some men *do* find fat attractive, some men just find women attractive, full stop! Regardless of shape & size.

One of my fellow bloggers highlighted the case of a (conventionally)"attractive" friend of hers, who, having recently joined an online dating agency, had received a rather large influx of interest. This had been flagged up with the website, who then suggested they would filter out the less suitable, less attractive potential suitors - for her convenience. This enraged me!! What right did they have to decide who she dates? She might have a thing for a speccy geek, a chunky biker type or a beardy weirdy!! Not everyone finds the conventionally good looking all that attractive. 

I for one cannot stand what I deem the "obvious" Brad Pitt? Keep him, Jonny Depp? No thanks....now Mark Lamar, Jarvis Cocker, Vic Reeves? Yes please!!!! 

Physical attraction is a natural reaction, there's no rhyme or reason to whom one fancies! So next time you jokingly tell a friend a potential love interest is out if their league, stop, think about it, and encourage them to take a chance. You never know you could be buying your Cilla wedding hat before you know it.

33 comments:

  1. I do love me some Johnny Depp, but everyone thinks i am crazy as I have an obsession with Ade edmondson. xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Michael has been told he looks like Ade Edmunson LMAO!!

      Delete
    2. hahaha, see told you he was a hottie :)

      Delete
  2. Ohhhh the joys of online dating! I know it all too well :-/ But you are right, it's no good crossing people off your list because you think you're not good enough. I keep on trying and hoping that *one day* I will meet someone who is just right for me xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I didn't know you was single! You are so f-ing hot to trot, how can you be single?!?! xxx

      Delete
    2. I don't know...maybe I'm the eighth wonder of the world ;-) xx

      Delete
    3. Well we're not denying that my darling!!! xx

      Delete
  3. I have a few 'quirky' favourites - Robbie Coltraine, Jonah Hill. Johnny Depp just really doesn't do it for me - totally over-rated! xXx

    ReplyDelete
  4. For me its, russell kane, Mark Wotson, any detective style character CREEK AND CRACKER I'm looking at you. Also Kirstie Allsopp yes please.
    <3
    I've been with my OH for 4 years and I still get " wow your boyfriends short? "
    "Do you weigh more then him" YES YES, SO?
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ridiculous!! and rude!! People suck sometimes!!xxx

      Delete
  5. I have a friend who is newly single after 20 years of marriage and she's joined match.com. She's an absolutely gorgeous, confident, plus sized girl and has had a lot of interest and several dates and is now officially 'dating'. I'm not so confident in my size and asked her how she felt about sex and nudity with someone new and she pointed out that she's sure he realised she wasn't a slim girl and obviously finds her attractive so she wasn't worried at all. If only I had that confidence but I'm working towards it :)

    Going back twenty years when I was slim I had a plus sized friend who was also short and diabetic. She had a gorgeous boyfriend and used to get verbal abuse on nights out with girls shouting out comments about him being out of her league and lads asking him if he needed his eyes testing!! He used to reply 'eat something' to skinny girls lol! He liked plus sized women and the fact that he was rather handsome and worked out in a gym was irrelevant to him. Although that was years ago I suspect attitudes haven't changed and they would still be subject to the abuse today, sadly :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you're right there. Although gladly I've never been the subject of any abuse when dating handsome chaps, I definitely felt the stares! But I'm much the same as your friend in terms of nudity, they quite obviously know what they're getting so why be prudish? I don't think any man want's to do it with the lights out, men are very visual (porn) so they want to see the body in al its fabulous glory!! xxx

      Delete
    2. We have been attacked unfortunately. People grabbing our bums when we kiss in public, someone once going 'ewww' when he received me at the train station, someone else kicking him for seeing us holding hands, someone else taking pictures of us eating a crepe without our consent. It's like they're trying to 'punish' him for 'aiming low' and sort of 'punish me' for 'aiming high'. Fuck that shit. As long as the 'handsome partners' do not cave in to the pressure (in that case, booooooooooo!) and the 'not handsome partners' do not chicken out, it's all right. But that kind of abusers should get arrested anyway!

      Delete
    3. It's just completely uneccesary, cruel and disgusting. I don't think we've ever gotten any abuse towards us as a couple. But I have experienced some awful personal abuse because of my weight. I'll never understand how people can say the things they say.

      Delete
  6. I think it is all to do with confidence, not size. My size has gone up and down but I always find that I get a lot more male attention when I'm happy, confident and smiling. You wouldn't want to be with a miserable, beautiful person!
    I'm with you on Jarvis Cocker, I'm also a huge David Tennant fan and Brett Anderson... going into a hot man coma now x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha Ha, hot man coma, great!! and yes confidence is everything, a few vodkas don't go a miss either though!! ;) xx

      Delete
  7. Oh, but then there's those guys who either have a 'fat fetish' or 'want to try a fat girl once' ... and those are the ones that I meet. I seem to have no luck whatsoever when it comes to dating! I don't want to date someone who likes me mostly for the reason that I'm fat! What if I for example get sick and lose tons of weight? Then he would leave me? Insane.

    BUT I haven't lost my hope, I'm almost 34, but I know I will find someone someday. :)

    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My husband has got a thing for fat (I was a sz 30 when we met), but thats his personal choice, just like some girls like tall, dark haired men. And although it was my physical appearance that was the initial attraction, once we'd had our first date we felt that our relationship would develop into something more meaningful. So don't rule anyone out! xxx

      Delete
    2. You're right. Somehow I just seem to meet the sleazy types.. or then complete wusses. :D Maybe one day I will win in this. xx

      Delete
    3. No maybes about it, You will!! xxx

      Delete
  8. This is SO RELEVANT to me right now. You know how I totally couldn't believe my luck when my date with Handsome Swedish Man went 'exceptionally well', and in a way that surprise was a product of the fact I'm fat. But that took away any credit to him and any belief that he might just like me. I'm pretty good at being confident in my looks but after years of rejection and poor luck, I'm still lingering behind in terms of confidence in dating. After a string of good dates recently, I'm starting to accept that men like me almost as much as I like myself, and that there's no particular type of man that likes me or that I like. I don't think any of the people I've dated or slept with would claim to have a 'fat fetish', and a lot of them might not even have a more casual preference for 'curvy girls' but I don't doubt their sincerity once sleeping with them becomes an option.

    Interesting musings, Becky!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you darling, you should be confident in your appeal, you are a very sexy woman, both aesthetically and mentally. But yes we all suffer from crisis of confidence now and then, who wouldn't when the whole of society are telling us we're not valid members, with diets being rammed down our throats and very little positive representation in the media. We will strive on though and look to change that!! xx

      Delete
  9. As far as men go conventionally attractive doesn't do it for me. I have had a long time thing for Alan Cumming, despite the fact he is also gay and married. There is just that spark of mischief and life to him.

    I got much more confident in my 20's after I split up with my boyfriend Geoff. In fact part of the problem for us had been my lack of confidence. When I was younger looking back I think there were a few guys who had been interested in me but I never believed that they would be interested in me, so didn't pick up on any attempts at dates.

    Once I stopped focussing on my size and became more confident I enjoyed dating before I met my husband. I was quite lucky in that I didn't seem to have any really bad experiences. I know it's daft but telling yourself and guys that your actually quite a catch did seem to help.

    Alan if your reading I might just be able to a free pass for the night. Just joking husband!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally get the Alan Cumming thing actually!!! And I know for a fact I let a few chaps pass me by when I was younger, who have since come up to me and said how much they liked me, but just didn't think I was interested!! weird huh?!!
      xx

      Delete
  10. Interesting post. I've never bothered hiding the fact I'm a fat bird and I just don't care. Luckily not one of my gf's or bf's have ever asked me to lose weight. I'd dump them. End of. Love me as I am or not at all is my motto xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brilliant attitude!! I f-ing love it!! The way everyone should be!! X x x

      Delete
  11. Excellent post! I had no confidence at all (and no successful dates, coincidentally) until I was about 17 or 18. Ironically, when I was at my shittiest and unluckiest, I was also at my smallest, being very small fat, or even average-sized. Then I met my now husband, and couldn't believe someone so handsome could ever fall in love with me. I didn't really see what he saw in me. Later, I discovered Fat Acceptance/Health at Every Size/fatshion, and I got confident enough to understand that I do deserve all the good things in life, even being loved by someone I love. Like you, I'm more into the Jarvis kind. Or more like the 90s Britpop kind of guy, just like my husband and like aaaall the suitors I got after moving to the UK. These suitors, while being deadly attractive, had also a very shit attitude concerning fat women and women in general. One of them was like 'I like curvy girls, the curvier, the better' (ugggggh!) or 'skinny women aren't real women' (so my favourite aunt, one of my best friends, and some of my favourite musicians are what? Robots!?), and another one was like 'my dates don't let me grab them by the waist and I don't know why'. My husband, on the other hand, has been learning about FA/HAES almost at my own pace (or even faster), knows how important fashion and self-care are to me as political activism (and even comes with me to the shops sometimes to see me try things on! Dreamboy!), calls me 'fat' (NO EUPHEMISMS!) as a neutral descriptive, and rants about bodyshaming adverts and news as much as I do. Obviously, he was the epic winner. So guys: if you want to succeed at dating a fat woman, respect her, get to know her and her circumstances, and fight her fights next to her. Shaming other women and/or being completely oblivious to her everyday struggles won't get you ANYWHERE.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! This! Your husband sounds like a dream babe, I wanna see him! Also, I love how you call them 'suitors'- I never know what to call the men I'm seeing but now I shall fully embrace this word!
      xx

      Delete
    2. Hahaha the wonders of English as a Second Language. I thought I'd call them this way as they certainly wanted to have something to do with me. And my husband is such a dream babe indeed! As I've said, he has brothers! :P xx

      Delete
    3. I love your comment Cyn, so glad to hear you had a positive experience and your strength is inspiring!!! Love this!! X x

      Delete
  12. My boyfriend used to have problems with eating and even now he is very, very slim; about 6'3 and 9 stone to my 14(!) I'm not bothered at all, and neither is he but I know other people look at us... :c

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for your comment, I love reading what everyone has to say! B x